God has been doing a deep work in my heart this year. Maybe, I finally am catching up on sleep, and He’s like, “Ok, now she can handle this.” Maybe, it’s just time for some growth. Then again, I feel like I have always been at a stage of growth in my life, just different branches getting attention at different times.
My heart’s longing to be creative is stronger than ever, and I’m working on finding time to act on it. God keeps speaking to me, hundreds of times a day sometimes, with words said through podcasts published a year ago, or a book that was just released, or a song I have newly discovered, or a sermon I have found, or a spoken voice telling me “spring forth”.
So, am I excited about this change. Usually, this change would terrify me, but I am so rooted in this change God is bringing that I don’t care. I don’t care what it will cost me. I just know that He is calling for me to do something, and I am going to act. I cannot ignore His presence in my daily life any more than I can deny that I have a daughter or a husband or parents, so, I am putting my faith in Him constantly. It’s just the waiting that is creating such a pain for me right now.
I see God working in others, and using others for GOOD things, and I get jealous. When will it be my turn, Lord? When will I get to see the fruit from the seed you have planted in my heart so very long ago? I am confident He has not given me an answer of “no” in so many things… but sitting here, waiting for the “yes, go, now!” to arrive, that’s the difficult part. Jealousy isn’t a good color for anyone to wear, and I am learning to take my humble placement on this earth and continue to do what He has called me to do.
Jennie Allen spoke to me in her book, “Nothing to Prove” lately. She says “What if instead of trying to create light, we simply received light?”
Oh man, do I need to write that on my hand and see it every moment of the day. I need to remind myself that the more of God I put in, the more that will flow out without my even trying!
My prayer lately has been for the Holy Spirit to be so present in my life and my presence that others can see Him. Not me, but Him. It’s easy to get caught up in what we are doing and not focus on just walking with God every day. Jennie Allen asks another question: “What if we stopped doing things FOR God and started doing them WITH God?”
While I have no clue when my yes will come, I put my hope in God. I pray that He will use me in everyday moments, not just the big dreams I am dreaming. Romans 4:18 and 20 says “Even when there was no reason for hope, Abraham kept hoping – believing that he would become the father of many nations…. Abraham never wavered in believing God’s promise. In fact, his faith grew STRONGER, and in this he brought glory to God.”
I am patient in the waiting. His timing is always better than mine.
This season of waiting is not my favorite, but I’m enjoying all that He is teaching me in the quiet.